Golden Linings

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Well, it’s been a minute. Almost two years, actually. Wouldn’t you know it, I am still sick. A lot has happened. I still need to go over simple tricks I’ve learned, food and drink, travel tips (not relevant right now though I suppose), and all the other jazz that comes with having a dysfunctional autonomic nervous system. This quarantine has been oddly nice as someone who has been relatively homebound for two years and some change. “I’m not missing out anymore.” That’s what I told my husband about two weeks into April.  The world has slowed. I no longer spend my week trying to prep for a weekend to hangout with someone or go out on a date with my husband. People have become more empathetic to what my reality has actually been without even trying. No one tells me I’m lucky to stay at home, as of late. Am I grateful I have been blessed with an amazing husband who is extremely understanding and has a career that supports us while I work on getting better? Absolutely. But let me tell you I’d take a 7:00 am start to a long work day than this any day. Everyday.

I’m feeling confident that I will never have some healthy human tell me I “have it made” after this pandemic is over. I’m selfishly so delighted about that. Netflix isn’t that great. Also hearing that sentiment the last 2.5 years gets super super old.  A lot of us in the chronic illness community have smirked at least once during this pandemic while listening to someone say they are bored out of their mind. Not because it’s fun to watch people suffer. It’s just extraordinarily validating. Like “oh is this boring? I had *no* idea. Most anyone who is chronically ill has had someone doubt the severity of what they are living with. Whether it be because we don’t look as sick as we are, maybe we had, heaven forbid, a day we felt human and did something fun, maybe they just caught us at quite literally a good hour. Whatever the case may be, we’ve all had that one person (sometimes more) that’s an absolute thorn to the side. People that decide to think we aren’t being honest. Like brooo, who in their right mind would relish sitting at home all day, alone, not driving, not getting to have normal social situations for YEARS???? If you’re wondering if maybe you’re the thorn in somebody’s chronically ill side, I suggest you check yourself. I mean what are you gaining?  Weirdo (this is the nicest term for this…I thought of several others.)

Anywho.

Truly though, it’s been refreshing. Have you ever seen those movies where the character is really fast? They’ll shoot the scene in ultra slow mo and the fast character seems to move at a normal pace while everyone else in the scene is moving at a snail’s pace. The most recent movie I’ve seen do this is Sonic the Hedgehog. I feel like that. The world kind of has to pause in order for someone with a chronic illness to seem like they’re moving at a casual pace. It’s been the golden lining of it all. I can focus strictly on healing. Not trying to keep up with healthy people. Feeling like I am in my little time bubble has brought down some obstacles I didn’t even perceive as having an impact on my recovery.  The thing I suck at the most illness wise is extending myself grace. I want to get better and I want to get better now. If you were to play “would you rather” with a chronically ill person you’d learn this truth: we would rather go too hard and negatively impact our health to prove we are trying our best than to play it safe and risk people perceiving us as a lazy quitter who likes being sick. 

I over do it a lot. It isn’t intentional. It’s just so incredibly hard to moderate health in those times. If I get a few hours of health AND energy, oh you better believe I’m going to use it. Maybe go for a swim, clean the house while blasting music, or very foolishly taking the dog on a brisk walk for 0.6 miles… that’s a whole other blog post though.

I’m not lazy but I think I am lazy sometimes instead of acknowledging it’s a result of a physical block not mental. It’s honestly an easier thought to process. Would you rather choose not to vacuum or be physically unable to vacuum? It’s more fun when you have the autonomy to choose, isn’t it. So sometimes you’ve just got to pretend. You may ask, “Is that considered denial, Mariah?”. To which I’d say, “well it isn’t this Mississippi is it?” (That’s a river joke. Please don’t leave). My bare minimum isn’t a healthy person’s bare minimum. My physical productivity is not even close to a healthy person’s. It drives me NUTS. I have been sick for so long I sometimes forget my normal isn’t normal.  I had a woman come for an hour to help clean and when I was telling her what I needed help doing, I told her it may be a three hour job. She finished in 45 minutes (with immaculate care btw). She said, “is this it? That was all you needed?” I was like “mmmm scuse? How are you even finished right now?!?!” I forgot that doing laundry, vacuuming, and mopping the floors isn’t meant to last all day. Healthy people, DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE SUPERHERO SPEED? It takes me all day. Lemme tell you what, I was shook with her productivity. I was as shook as a 1999 audience member watching Bruce Willis realize he is indeed one of the dead people, a young Haley Joel Osment said he could see. 

Since no one else has been extraordinarily productive the last few months (cause pandemic reasons, you know?) I can extend myself some guilt free grace. I can work out during the week without worrying I’ll be too worn out to go hang out with people on the weekends. Boom, grace. I can listen to how exhausted my body is and let it sleep when it needs to sleep because guess what? Everyone has a messed up schedule now. Boom, grace.  I don’t feel as bad about my driving capabilities because there is literally nowhere to go. BOOM, GRACE! 

I’ll be forever grateful for the mental shift God gave me during quarantine.

I’ve seen a lot of able bodied people struggling with feeling like they haven’t accomplished anything during this pandemic. It’s ok. Even if you only get through this pandemic, you’ve accomplished something.  It’s ok if, despite his bullying, the Duolingo owl hasn’t broken you down into learning a new language.  It’s ok if you’ve found it hard to be existing right now. It’s truly ok. It’s normal. Our school system didn’t teach us about taxes or how to thrive in pandemics but we’ve all got mitochondrial functions down. 

Whether you’re sick or healthy, pandemic or no pandemic, extend yourself some grace and find your golden lining in your situation.